I was going trough some old old archives and I found the blog I had when Gerard died. Most of the entries are what you expect pain, loss and anger from a parent. I did find my attempt to write down my believe system and I decided to at least repost that one. This was written august 22, 2004.
An event like Gerard’s death will always bring your believe system into play. Not only with dealing with the completely unfair feeling of it. Let’s face it nobody expects a 17 year old to die. But more specifically with what happens with Gerard?
With this I do not mean the body. I mean Gerard the person, the soul, the energy, the light. There are so many ways this has been described. Personally I have not found a decent word yet to describe how I see it. Soul is (for me) too related to the Christianity and more specifically the roman catholic system in which I was raised. I never felt home there and for me there were too many discrepancies between the old and the new testament. The Da Vinci code from Dan Brown put a lot of my ‘worries’ into perspective. It was written with a lot of history (true history) as base. I checked the Internet and various sources while reading it and found a lot of the information he presented there from acclaimed institutes like universities. And a lot was clearly made up as part of the book.
So Soul is out I cannot work with a word like that. The light is too fluffy for me. Again this is mainly because of all the hype we have seen in the last decade or so about people having near death experiences and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and such. Do not get me wrong. I am not saying these people are wrong (I am also not saying these people are right). For me the media hype and Hollywood have soiled the value of the word and, even worse, the value of the experience.
Which leaves energy. Which for me fits. When a person is a live we can measure the electricity going thru the brain of that person. Electricity is energy. Gerard was pronounced braindead after all the tests that could be done, were done. There was no more energy in his brain. 6 hours later his body gave up.
So what happened to the energy that was Gerard? My father died when I was Gerard’s age. It shook my world and I was devastated that I could not find relief in church or in prayer. I could not find relief, period. I think I was not mature enough yet to understand that I would never find relief there. Over the years my thought processes changed and I read a lot about how other religions dealt with death. After meeting other people who did not walk the normal path of life and society my believe system changed without me knowing it in my heart.
So where is the energy? I believe that we belong to the energy of the earth and the universe. We are part of that energy. And so every now and then small parts of that vast repository of energy gets split off and goes to live inside a body. During that period inside the body, the energy changes and learns. When the body stops functioning, the energy returns to that vast repository. sharing the experiences seen and learned. And after a while that energy will once again embark on that journey in a body.
Gerard is not gone. He is, once again, all around us. You can see him when you look at a tree, a flower, a cat or an insect. He is part of the soil and part of the sun. He shines at night in the moonlight.
And sometimes he will visit us.